By Teena Rose
You’ll find lots of information on the Internet about how to ace a job interview. Everything from take extra ginseng to bake brownies for the interviewer. Sure, there’s plenty of information on how to conduct a successful interview, but what if you want to trash an interview. Well, there are still plenty of things you can do to succeed at your interview failure.
Call the interviewer by the wrong name.
Pure interview poison. If you want the job, focus on the interviewer’s name when you introduce yourself and use it throughout the interview. People like it when you remember their names.
On the other hand, if you want to flush the interview, call the interviewer by the wrong name even though her nameplate is sitting on her desk 11 inches from your nose. You’re outta there.
Arrive late.
Even a few minutes late will usually get you the boot faster than you can say “traffic jam”. The ideal time to arrive for the interview is 5-10 minutes before your appointment so to really louse it up, show up 35 minutes late eating a Krispy Kreme doughnut.
Arrive early.
If your appointment is at 2:00 in the afternoon, show up at 10:00 in the morning. Pace nervously in the waiting area and keep asking the receptionist what time it is. It won’t be long before security is summoned and your interview worries are over.
Eat.
Sure fire, can’t miss. If you come to the interview eating a Krispy Kreme doughnut, kiss that job good-bye; especially if you didn’t bring one for the HR Director who’s conducting the interview. It’s just not done.
Slouch.
Shows complete lack of initiate or even concern. Putting your feet on the interviewer’s desk is way over the top, but slumping in your chair could get you out the door quickly.
Answer Your Cell Phone.
Dweedle, dweedle, dweedle. Dweedle, dweedle, dweedle. “Excuse me while I get this call.” You better hope it’s your last boss calling to beg you to come back to your old job ‘cause you aren’t getting this one.
Bring up religion or politics.
This also works at parties. Ask the interviewer who he voted for in the last election. Think of it as an ice breaker that also guarantees that this interview is over before it even gets started. Religion or politics, it doesn’t matter. Just bring it up early in the interview so you can cut to the chase – out the office door! There are appropriate times and places for this topic, and the interview isn’t one of them, unless you’re looking for a short-lived interview.
Mention that you’ve been probed by aliens.
Oh, yeah, you’re a goner. In fact, if you want to kill a job interview, bring up any lunk-headed theory or half-baked belief and you’ll be home watching the TV soaps before you know it.
Ask what’s in it for you.
First question you ask, “So, Bob, how many week’s vacation do I get?” This is followed by, “And what about matching 401k contributions?” Finally, close out by asking, “When will I be getting my first raise?” It’ll be sometime shortly after hell freezes over.
Call the position a stepping stone to bigger and better things.
Employers like nothing more than spending a bunch of money to train you, only to have you take your “transportable skill set” with you when the competition offers you a better job. Be sure to mention this toward the end of the interview, after you’ve wasted an hour of the interviewer’s time.
Wear all of your piercings.
Nose, lobes, tongue, eyebrows – wear your finest. Even better if it dangles.
Chew gum
Does anything say ‘I could care less’ better than loudly chewing some Juicy Fruit? Feel free to offer the interviewer a stick, why don’t you. It won’t matter. Either way, you won’t get the job.
So there they are – the deadly dozen interview killers. Be sure to follow them carefully to ensure continued unemployment. Or not.
Teena Rose is a columnist, public speaker, and certified/published resume writer with Resume to Referral. She’s authored several books, including How to Design, Write, and Compile a Quality Brag Book, 20-Minute Cover Letter Fixer, and Cracking the Code to Pharmaceutical Sales.
